I retreat …

Dear Reader,

Back in January, I began a personal retreat—a quiet stepping back to reflect, to listen, and to be with all that had unfolded since Dieter’s passing. In those early days, I wrote this piece. I wasn’t ready to share it then, but now feels like the right time.

This is the beginning of me sharing more of my journey—not the polished version, but the real, human unfolding.

If you’re navigating your own transitions, or simply feeling the nudge to slow down, I hope these words offer some resonance.

With love,
xx Antonie

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I Retreat

In the months following Dieter’s passing in January 2024, I found myself immersed in the necessary tasks—funeral arrangements, crafting a eulogy, creating a memorial card. Twice on the same day, I stumbled upon a quote from Johann Wolfgang von Goethe’s The Sorrows of Young Werther:

“Ich kehre in mich hinein, und finde meine Welt.”
“I retreat into myself and find my world.”

The words resonated deeply, and I placed them on the back of the memorial card.

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With Dieter’s passing, it felt as though he had retreated into his world. He had done what he came here to do, leaving a mark on all of us—in a good way. He will forever be remembered for who he was: caring, loving, immensely skilled, humble, and humorous.

And yet, I never felt abandoned by him. Fleeting thoughts may have surfaced—perhaps I even voiced them to my mentor—but deep down, I never truly believed it. He is still with us. I miss him in countless ways, and if you were around, you’d hear me softly swearing at him for no longer being here to fix things. We never had a craftsman in the house—Dieter did it all.

So why am I writing this?

Because I, too, feel called to retreat.

Even before the first anniversary of Dieter’s passing—what a friend called the birthday of his death—I realized I needed to step back from trying to revive my coaching career. After everything paused in early 2024, I slowly began rebuilding—returning to 1:1 coaching, writing emails to my subscribers, reconnecting with the work I loved.

I even started working with a business coach. She pushed me, encouraged me, and I poured my energy into creating, sharing, and showing up. But despite my efforts, something still felt misaligned—like I was reaching for something just out of grasp.

It felt like being a child again, staring up at something on a high shelf, longing for it, reaching, climbing, asking for help—yet never quite able to grasp it.

Sometimes, the stories we carry—deep, unconscious narratives—shape our experiences in ways we don’t fully understand. With the help of my coach and mentor, I uncovered a core belief buried within me: No matter what I do, I will never truly get what I want.

Suddenly, everything made sense.

I’ve always envisioned creating heaven on earth—a world of peace and harmony. My mission has been to make personal transformation practical, to help others wake up from daily struggles and distractions, and realign with what truly matters—love in its purest form.

And yet, before I can move forward, I need to pause.

I am stepping away—for a time of self-reflection. To write. To listen. To rediscover myself in it all.
To find my world.

And at the heart of it all lies a deeper question: Where do I truly belong?

Belonging has been a recurring theme throughout my journey, and now, more than ever, it calls for my attention.

These are the questions I will sit with in the coming months. I don’t yet know how long this retreat will last, but I trust that when the time comes, I will emerge with new clarity.

I’ve just returned from a 10-day Vipassana silent retreat, and the journey continues to unfold. I’ll be sharing more as it does.

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